I happened to look at the calendar and noticed that February 14 had a big red Sedona Red circle around it with hearts drawn all over the day. Ah, that is what I love about my wife. She remembered that Spring Training was coming and that I loved baseball. I really did appreciate the reminder (as if I needed a reminder of when Spring Training started) but unfortunately Trina had drawn the circle and the hearts on the wrong day. While the majority of Major League Baseball teams did have pitchers and catchers report on February 14, the Diamondbacks chose to have players report to Spring Training on February 15 to allow them to spend Valentine’s Day with the ones the love. Oh! Crap, that calendar day wasn’t circled to remind me of Spring Training, it was circled because if it wasn’t circled I would completely forget about Valentine’s Day and focus on Spring Training. Well I guess I showed her, that calendar day WAS circled and I still thought about Spring Training. Yeah it feels good to be right once in a while. Wait, I did forget Valentine’s Day and I did focus on Spring Training which incidentally starts tomorrow in case anyone was wondering. As luck would have it Valentine’s Day occurred on a Thursday which meant that Trina would be teaching school giving me an opportunity to recover from my lack of calendar clairvoyance and get a gift without Trina ever knowing that I had forgotten. So I made a note to myself to leave work a few minutes early and go find a gift for my wife. I know I said that I was going to give her the Diamondbacks Dinnerware from the Fan Fest as a Valentine’s Day gift but after consulting with my daughters I was told in no uncertain terms that “mom would kill you if you tried that dad”. Great, a perfectly good gift idea goes to waste and now I was back at square one. As I got in my car at the end of the day I wondered what I was going to do. I’ve long told my family that “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like Sedona Red” so I immediately considered driving down to the team shop to see if they had anything with a Valentine’s Day sentiment. A call from my daughter quickly dashed that idea as she insisted that mom wanted something without an “A” logo or a “D” logo on it. This was all of a sudden getting a lot harder than I had anticipated. I didn’t think I had been in enough trouble to justify jewelry (that is best left for times when you forgot to mention that Channel 3 would be arriving at your door at 6 AM to film a segment for their morning news show about your bobble head collection or when you thought she said she would love it if you just bought a Harley Davidson motorcycle instead of a car for the kids to drive to school). I stopped by the local mall thinking maybe something from Victoria Secret would be nice. I had never been in that store before and after my experiences today I doubt I’ll be going back. First off I think I was probably the only male in the entire store. That will immediately get the attention of a gaggle of women trying on undergarments. Secondly, the clientele seemed slightly uneasy to see a grown man digging through piles of women’s unmentionables and holding them up to compare against the color of his hat. Come on people do you really want to wear something that is not the right shade of Sedona Red? Think about that next time instead of branding someone as a pervert! Well after a brief discussion with a security guard I decided maybe I needed a different gift idea. As I was leaving the mall I noticed a florist coming into the building carrying a plant. Why didn’t I think of that? Plants are good. After driving through the parking lot of a couple of flower shops I realized there are a lot of guys who mistakenly thought that the Sedona Red circle around today’s date was for Spring Training. These shops were packed and there was no way I was going to get anywhere near the door. Then I remembered that the grocery store carried flowers. I quickly went in and found that they indeed still had a relatively large collection in their display. I took off my hat and began comparing the roses against the hat. It’s amazing how a little abnormal behavior can get you bumped to the top of the customer service food chain. I tried to explain to the young lady that I needed a dozen roses and I would prefer them to be Sedona Red. She looked nervous and began explaining that none of their flowers were from Sedona. Hello, did you not hear what I was saying? The flowers don’t need to be from Sedona and they are not being delivered to Sedona, they just need to be Sedona Red. She seemed very confused so I decided a demonstration was in order. I pulled out a rose and set it next to my hat, too pink. I tried another, too maroon. Finally after the third flower we had a match, ding, ding, ding. Now we only need eleven more. Within three minutes I had a whole department of customer service people helping me as we tried to piece together a dozen Sedona Red flowers. I had to stop and laugh about half way through when someone brought a flower only to be told by another worker that it had too much brick color and was closer to being a Houston Astro rose than an Arizona Diamondbacks rose. Finally after what seemed like an eternity I had a dozen roses that were at least close to Sedona Red. Along the way I was even able to find three sprigs of Sonoran Sand Baby’s Breathe to complete the look. I grabbed the first non-Spanish Valentine’s Card I could find that had the word “wife” on the front and headed for the check stand. I couldn’t help but notice the relieved look on the customer service manager’s face as I was leaving the store. Not sure what that was all about. I signed the card while sitting at a stop light then rushed into the house arriving just moments before Trina did. As she came in the house and saw the roses she rushed over and gave me a hug and a kiss. See I told you nothing said I love you like Sedona Red. Now I only hope that Trina didn’t forget that tomorrow is the real holiday; Spring Training starts.

Times changed and so did technology. Soon satellite television became a viable alternative and as dishes reduced in size, product offerings and cost increased. These product offerings now provide us with choices among 150 channels in several languages for our viewing pleasure. You would never know that from our house as the television is nearly always tuned to either a regional sports network channel or the Disney Channel depending on who is home at the time. When I pay the monthly bill I always stop to wonder whether they have a cheaper package that includes just those two channels. Today I was grateful to have those extra channels.

In the continued saga of steroids in baseball Congress has asked former pitcher Roger Clemens and former training Brian McNamee to appear and give testimony with regards to the Mitchell Report. In the report McNamee alleged that he had injected Clemens with steroids on numerous occasions. Clemens countered that McNamee was lying and sued his former training for defamation of character. McNamee has counter-sued Clemens. It has been a media circus as these two clowns dance around the ring. I seriously thought that somehow my satellite receiver had broken and was somehow broadcasting a soap opera rather than sports programming. The story line that was emerging took one bizarre turn after another and just when you thought it could not get any more ridiculous another comment is made proving that there is no boundary to the weirdness. Last week a new story line branched off where Brian McNamee revealed that not only did he inject Roger Clemens with steroids but he also injected Clemens’ wife with human growth hormone. Next thing you know McNamee will claim that Clemens’ dog was in need of an injection so he shot up the dog too. McNamee is starting to sound like some sort of crazed mad scientist running around with loaded syringes shooting up anything that even looks remotely like they need performance enhancers. Before you think Clemens is a choir boy it should be noted that his story seems to morph as if it is on steroids. First he has no idea about performance enhancing substances then he feigns shock to hear his friend and teammate Andy Pettitte has taken Human Growth Hormone. He is shocked when Pettitte suggests that Roger recommended their usage. During testimony to Congress Andy Pettitte states that he spoke with Roger Clemens in 1999 about performance enhancing substances that Roger was taking. Then in 2005 when Pettitte asks Clemens what he would do if reporters asked Roger if he was taking steroids. Clemens this time claims he has never taken steroids. Roger’s wife is the one juiced up.

Andy Pettitte is my friend. He was my friend before this. He will be my friend after this and again. I think Andy has misheard, I think he misremembers.

Roger Clemens

It has been a while since I got married, twenty-seven years to be exact so my memory may not be as good as it once was. I was trying to think back to my marriage vows and I don’t recall any of them saying it is ok to throw your wife under the bus in order to keep your reputation intact. Maybe Roger had one of those new age marriages where they got to write their own vows. I’m sure Debbie Clemens would have had no problem saying “I do” after the pastor asked, “will you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness, in health, and when he proclaims to the country that it is your backside being stuck with a needle filled with illegal steroids so you look good in a swimsuit?” I have to be honest, while I tease Trina mercilessly and sometimes it sounds as though she is picking on me during these entries; there is absolutely no way I would allow anyone to put a negative light upon her. She is the most important thing in my life and if it meant that my reputation is shattered and I am no longer to work in a job that I love I would do whatever was necessary as long as Trina was still held in the highest regard. It is inconceivable to think that Clemens would instead push all the blame of steroid usage to his wife who has stood by him through thick and thin.

So for four hours our elected Congress representatives grilled Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee with countless questions. Each was questioned and in my opinion neither of them came out looking any better. We may never actually know who is telling the truth. Both of these men seem convinced the other is lying. There will be courtroom battles and there will be battles in the media. I wanted to hope this would finally go away and we could focus on baseball but as pitchers and catchers ready themselves to report beginning tomorrow this story seems to have a life of its own. So we’ll all wait for the next episode of As the Baseball Turns.

The second communication I received from the team was actually a lot more exciting to me. This came in the form of a letter complete with a Sedona Red accented envelope. [Note to self: I really need to get myself some of those envelopes; I may even enjoy paying the bills knowing I get to stuff each payment in a Sedona Red envelope.] It’s funny, when I get a letter from a Major League Baseball franchise especially the Diamondbacks my mind races with thoughts about what the letter may contain. The odds of that envelope actually containing an invitation to Spring Training or the team asking if I would like to participate in the 10th anniversary festivities is probably pretty remote but it is always fun to imagine something like that being inside. I opened the letter and gently removed the contents. Trina always comments that I remove the letter inside a Diamondbacks envelope as if I were handling an original copy of the Declaration of Independence. I keep telling her the content of this envelope is much more important than that. At that point she usually just shakes her head and wanders off. Today’s letter actually was closer to my fantasy dream (we don’t use the “F” word any more until I attend “F” camp). The letter was indeed an invitation to Spring Training. The one caveat was that the invitation was not as a non-roster invitee but rather as a non-roster season ticket holder. The Diamondbacks are offering an excursion to Tucson to see the Arizona Diamondbacks begin their 2008 Cactus League campaign. The excursion includes round-trip transportation from Phoenix to Tucson via a luxury motor coach which I have since learned means we get to ride a bus. Once at Tucson Electric Park you are given an all-you-can-eat lunch consisting of hot dogs, hamburgers, sides, and non-alcoholic beverages. You are then given reserved seats in the stands where we will watch the first Spring Training game of the season. What an awesome idea! I started yelling and running around the house looking for Trina and the kids. Everyone came out of their rooms carrying what looked like 72-hour emergency kits. I guess they thought the house was on fire. I explained that was not the case, this was much more important than that. I read the paper to the kids and waited for their excited response to this great opportunity. Instead they all just returned to their rooms resuming whatever activity I had interrupted. Did these people not understand what I had just offered them? Whitney my bookworm summed up their attitude with her fading comment, “Dad, it is just baseball and these games don’t even count.” What the heck? We have been without baseball for nearly 5 months and now we are given a golden opportunity to go down and see the first game of Spring Training and all they can say is that the games don’t even count? This is so messed up. I am beginning to think I was adopted; my real family would be excited about this. Trina could sense I was more than slightly disappointed. “It could be fun. If you think the kids would be ok, I would go with you.” Ah, that is why I love this woman so much so that I am giving her Diamondbacks dinnerware for Valentine’s Day. This is going to be awesome. Maybe I need to go back to my in-box and get that link to the Diamondbacks on-line team shop. I might need to pick up another pajama top so I have something to wear on the bus.

When I played baseball, this philosophy led to many problems. You often hear a player state that he needs to remain on an even keel not allowing himself to get too up or too down. To be successful a baseball player must also have an extremely short memory. If you go 0-4 with 3 strikeouts in a game, you cannot dwell on it. You cannot let it get to you and you can’t think about it too much or it will destroy you. You have to learn to not let it bother you and move on. That is not to say you completely ignore past experiences, you just need to objectively look at your performance and then make an adjustment without letting thoughts and emotions enter into the equation. That is of course much easier said than done. I think it is human nature to try and analyze your performance and evaluated it placing a subjective value upon the outcome. If you do poorly one night you want to be honest and state that you are unhappy with the performance and the take steps to correct it. These emotional value judgments though are what puts a player into a funk. They start thinking too much about the mechanics and the outcome rather than the process for the outcome and when that happens slumps start.

I had not planned this entry to delve into the psyche of a baseball player though. Instead I wanted to frame this entry from a perspective of emotional latitude. Take Saturday’s Fan Fest for example. Reading about my experiences it all sounds very positive and filled with happiness. Not everything went quite that well. For example, while Trina had taken the kids to find a restroom and the booth for Poore Brothers Potato Chips (not in that order I might add), I was content walking around the concourse basking in the idea that I was back inside the friendly confines of Chase Field. I would say at that moment I felt content. But when I turned around to go back to meet Trina I came face-to-face with the most terrifying sight I could ever imagine. There standing right in front of me was none other than Rally Sally. The euphoria I had felt just moments before was replaced with repulsion and horror. That is what I would call an emotional swing of continental proportions. In my attempt to avoid Rally Sally I wondered over to the top of Section 129. Although the field was tattered and torn up from motorcycles and monster trucks it at least now resembled a baseball stadium with base paths and a pitcher’s mound. The thoughts of the sights and sounds of baseball at Chase Field brought a smile to my face and a peaceful feeling. I looked out into centerfield as something caught my eye. I knelt down to get a better view out to the outfield. There in the area typically patrolled by Chris Young stood a massive piece of equipment. Was that a crane? I walked down the stairs to see if I could get a better view. It was a crane, but what was it doing in the outfield. I followed the boom up towards the scoreboard. Wait, where was the scoreboard? It was completely gone. Where there was once a huge JumboTron there was now a gaping hole. With the crane and trucks in the outfield and along the warning track coupled with the large opening where once was a scoreboard I was momentarily disoriented. I felt as though I had just entered into a disaster zone. It reminded me a lot of being at a trailer park after a tornado hit. The happy thoughts of baseball and green grass were replaced with thoughts of insurance claims and rummaging through debris looking for lost valuables. It was one of the most traumatic things I think I can remember. The depressing sights were overwhelming and I needed to get away. I needed to find a happy place. I ran to the top of the section to the sounds of Bobby Freeman’s organ and the cheers of the crowd. If I could just reach that place all would be right in the world. At the top of the section was a throng of people all clapping along as D. Baxter the Bobcat worked the crowd. Joy and warmth began filling my body once again. Then I turned to the left and there was Rally Sally shaking her little self to the beat of the music. I wanted to poke my eyes out. That was a sight I had been trying to repress for 5 months and now here it was right in front of me. Oh for the love of baseball, why must I endure such pain?

As I had previously reported, the Diamondbacks saw the largest crowd in their history attend Fan Fest. The attendance totals were estimated to be above 10,000 people. The stadium and the plaza was filled with people and there were lines to many of the activities. So with this sea of humanity, the odds of what happened next were significantly more remote than having a Diamondbacks player hit for the cycle. From out of nowhere a man carrying a small notebook appeared from amidst the crowd and stood in front of me and the kids. He asked if I had a couple of minutes and if I would be willing to answer a few questions. I thought perhaps this was the gentleman’s first trip to Chase Field and I am always willing to help a baseball fan particularly a Diamondbacks fan. I agreed to help him. It was at this point he identified himself as Scott Bordow, a reporter for the East Valley Tribune newspaper. He began by questioning me about baseball and whether all of the steroid rumors and innuendo bothered me. I politely gave me opinion that I don’t believe all that I read nor do I think that all players took performance enhancing substances. While I am not naive to think it is not happening, I just choose to focus on the game and not necessarily on the players. I stand by my conviction that it is the perfect game which unfortunately is played by imperfect people. I went on to explain that it is my responsibility as a fan and more importantly as a parent to teach my kids about the game but not to let them get caught up on the players. It is events such as Fan Fest that give the kids an opportunity to see the players off the field to understand that they are not that much different than their own father; they just happened to have one of the greatest jobs on earth. They get to play baseball while dad gets to write software and play on the computer. My kids would be the first to tell you that I am far from perfect but that overall I probably do ok unless I get on them to clean their room or do their homework. They would never look at me as someone to be revered or placed on a pedestal to be worshiped. The same should be for baseball players. They are gifted individuals who have great athletic gifts but they still struggle in their lives just like we do in ours. The game of baseball will live on from generation to generation and will survive despite the weaknesses of the players currently employed by the game. So while we may be dismayed or indignant at the thoughts of Brian McNamee or Roger Clemens, they do not represent the game. They may have been playing pieces but their lack of high moral character will not diminish my views of baseball.

I am sure that my answers were probably not exactly what Mr. Bordow had in mind when he stopped a guy and his family. After talking with him for a while we parted ways and with my family in tow I went on to other activities. I commented to Trina about how odd that whole episode was and we both wondered aloud what might become of that brief encounter. We didn’t have to wait long, in the Sunday edition of the East Valley Tribune Scott Bordow wrote a piece entitled Season can’t get here soon enough that appeared on the sports page. Within the piece were several comments attributed to me. My kids of course were extremely impressed. For a moment I thought perhaps my comments were wrong, maybe my kids did put me on a pedestal to be looked up to. Then of course I returned to reality thanks to my sweet daughter Whitney who put everything into perspective, “Dad, this is so cool! My name and my age is in the newspaper!” Yeah I was right the first time, as far as my family is concerned, I am just a guy from section 112 row 8 who is obsessed with baseball.

As the sun rose the sky turned a beautiful shade of Sedona Red (well it looked about the same color as my pajamas so I am guessing it was Sedona Red). With the sun’s first rays reaching the window it was time to get the family up. After all, we didn’t want to wait until the last minute to get ready to go. This was one day I definitely did not want to be late. I ran from room to room shaking each child from the slumber eagerly shouting, “It’s Fan Fest day, it’s Fan Fest day!” Other than Dakota no one seemed to get the same level of excitement as I did from that declaration. After a little prodding everyone was up and at least presentable. I was very proud of the family. I was afraid they might come down dressed inappropriately but to their credit each of them was wearing the appropriate items of clothing. Diamondbacks T-shirts, jerseys, backpacks, lunch boxes, hats, and sweatshirts; it was enough to bring a tear to a father’s eye. I thought, “oh, we should have a picture taken as this would be the perfect photo for our Christmas cards next year. There was no time for that though; we had a Fan Fest to attend.

The trip to the ballpark was filled with conversations about the memories we had of making this journey 81 days a year. Well it is 81 days for me, the others split those days amongst themselves. We parked in our traditional spot on the street (it’s free parking on the weekends in downtown Phoenix) and we made our way to the ballpark. Chase Field loomed in front of us and as we got closer we began to see more people headed the same way as we were going. I had anticipated there would be around 1,500 people at the Fan Fest which I thought would be a great crowd. The closer we got though the more people we saw. It was clear that my estimate was just slightly off. During the festivities it was announced that the crowd size was estimated at over 10,000 people. Wow, that is a larger crowd than the Tampa Bay Rays have at a three game series at Tropicana Field! One of the first things we noticed was how many activities there were for the kids at Fan Fest. There were pitching machines and inflatable toys. There were also wiffleball fields set up for the kids to try their hand at hitting. The pitchers and fielders on the wiffleball fields were current Arizona Diamondbacks players. On the diamond where Dakota played he played against first base coach Lee Tinsley. The infield was made up of Conor Jackson and Orlando Hudson while the outfield was patrolled by Chris Young and Jeff Salazar. Oh how I wish I was ten again. I would have killed to play wiffleball with Major League Baseball players. The funny thing was that it didn’t seem all that out of the ordinary for Dakota. I think he has been given a false sense of what reality is. He has grown up at Bank One Ballpark/Chase Field having been coming to baseball games since he was less than a year old. Through the years he has been on the field countless times for different activities. He was a member of the Big Daddy BBQ Bullpen Buddies that allowed the kids to go down into the bullpen before Sunday games to meet the players and get autographs. He was on the mound with his sisters as I threw out the first pitch. He has been in the dugout as an honorary bat kid, and he has met several of the players. To him this is a natural occurrence. I have to wonder whether he will ever understand that this kind of thing is not normal. Most kids get to go to just a very few games and rarely are they given the types of experiences he has become so accustomed to. I give the Diamondbacks a mountain of credit for including the fans so much. These opportunities represent how much the team cares for the city and its fans. For that I will be eternally grateful. When Dakota grows up and finally realizes all of the things he got to do, I am going to look like the greatest dad in the world even though all the credit belongs to the Diamondbacks.

The Gila River Casino Plaza was filled with Diamondbacks partners showing off their wares. The kids ran from booth to booth picking up free stuff and giving each other high-fives at the luck they were having. Tiffany who is the smart one today brought a baseball and began the 2008 team ball. We are going to diligently try to get autographs from each of the players on the ball to commemorate our summer of fun at Chase Field. It is a huge goal and one that I am pretty sure is unobtainable but we’re going to try. Our hope was to get an Orlando Hudson autograph but unfortunately his autograph station sold out well before we could get to the front of the line. It was not a complete loss though as Tiffany did get Chris Young and Chris Snyder’s autographs. That was pretty exciting. As we entered the stadium there were more activities inside. There were autograph sessions with all 15 Diamondbacks players. There were also booths of vendors selling Major League Baseball memorabilia. The Diamondbacks Insider Magazine had a booth and I was glad to see people there signing up for the magazine. Maybe someone will read my article some time, that would be cool. The team also had a booth set up for Select Your Seat where fans could purchase Diamondbacks Season Tickets. I was happy to see that throughout the day that booth remained quite busy. Hopefully it resulted in a lot of new Diamondbacks fans that will be at the games this year.

The Diamondbacks also offered tours of the Diamondbacks dugout and the team’s clubhouse. Fans are rarely given an opportunity to get a glimpse of what things look like from the dugout and even fewer will ever see the inside of a Major League Baseball clubhouse. We definitely took advantage of the look behind the scenes and made our way to the clubhouse. It was amazing to see. There were the lockers of some of our favorite players. The kids loved Chris Snyder’s nerf nunchucks and his plastic shark toy. They loved the fact that Brandon Lyon had a cup holder in his locker and they wondered why Micah Owings locker was empty except for a box that said “Send Home”. They wondered why Randy Johnson had two lockers and why one of them contained just 2 jerseys and a remote control airplane. Trina was impressed that Chad Tracy had pictures of his baby in his locker and Dakota was likewise impressed that Eric Byrnes had a skateboard in his locker. The talk of the family was the fact that Orlando Hudson had the largest locker in the clubhouse and everyone wondered what the story was with the large jar of homemade salsa stored on the shelf. It was an incredible tour and we loved every second of it. I’m still curious why there is a tire bolted to the wall of the tunnel leading from the dugout to the clubhouse. Some things are just beyond explanation.

Probably the most exciting thing about Fan Fest though was the Diamondbacks Yard Sale. I had no idea what to expect from this. It was basically a place where the Diamondbacks offered for sale some items that you may not have been able to get. For example, they had some of the left over giveaways from the 2007 season. There has long been a feud in our house over the Diamondbacks Trucker Hat. Tiffany wanted so badly to go to that game but her sister Mallorie had already chosen it. Mallorie got the hat and brought it home to model it. Tiffany wanted that hat more than anything else in the universe and for that reason Mallorie would never let it go. It has been a constant battle for the past several months. So when the Diamondbacks offered leftover Trucker Hats you would have thought Tiffany had just discovered gold. Obviously we would have to get one of these. We also picked up a Diamondbacks picture frame and an O-Dog T-shirt. There was a table that had autographed memorabilia from players who were no longer associated with the Diamondbacks. Tiffany found a Matt Mantei baseball which she could not live without. It doesn’t make a difference that she has 4 Matt Mantei baseballs and an autographed bat, she just had to have one more. All of these things would have made the Diamondbacks Yard Sale a success for our family but that wasn’t all. Nestled back in the corner was a young lady surrounded by crates. As we went over to her I quickly realized what she had. When Bank One Ballpark was built the team included the Arizona Baseball Club restaurant on the Diamond level. This has since become the Lexus Club. Then owner Jerry Colangelo insisted that the Arizona Baseball Club have Diamondbacks dinnerware adorned with the team logo. These dishes are no longer being used as the colors have changed and so has the ownership. Here at the yard sale was stacks of Diamondbacks dishes. Now it was my turn to get excited. Rarely do I get emotional about dinnerware but this was different. What are the odds that you could actually own a piece of team history and be reminded of it at every meal? Trina has long complained that we didn’t have proper dinnerware for parties and family events. I was about to become a hero. I rushed to the woman and began to assemble place settings. I was able to come up with 6 complete place settings of fine china (hey it is fine china to me). This will make the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for Trina. After all, what says “I love you” quite like a set of Arizona Diamondbacks plates and bowls? This is awesome and the best part was that all the proceeds from the sale went to charity. You just couldn’t ask for anything better.

By the end of the day we were exhausted but extremely happy. This was one of those days when everything just seemed to go right. There was the slight scare when Dakota nearly took off Conor Jackson’s leg with a flaming wiffleball but overall it was all good. I highly recommend Diamondbacks Fan Fest to everyone. It is one of those rare experiences whose memories will last a lifetime.

Take today for example. As I got up and looked at the calendar I immediately began my mental list of countdowns. February 8, that means that there are only 7 days or one week until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. That means only 8 days until the Diamondbacks first workout. That of course means that there is only 12 days until all the players report to Spring Training. Wow, do you realize that there are only three weeks until the Diamondbacks first Spring Training game against the Chicago White Sox at Tucson Electric Park? And lest we forget there are only 52 days 3 hours and 27 minutes until Opening Day. But among all of the things I am counting down (and oddly enough thinking through my mental countdowns they all seem to somehow involve baseball I wonder what that means) the one that brings the most anxiety is the event that occurs only 26 hours and 5 minutes from now. Yes kids it’s time for the annual Diamondbacks Fan Fest. That lovable little event where homeless Diamondbacks Fans eagerly await the time when they can finally enter the stadium without resorting to motorcycle races or monster truck rallies. I have gotten the kids worked up into a frenzy of anticipation. Notice I said kids and not family. As hard as I try I cannot seem to get Trina excited about Fan Fest. When I happened to mention it to her all I got was, “you mean I don’t get to sleep in on the only day that I don’t have something going on?” I so wanted to mention the fact that I had to endure an entire day at a quilt show but bringing up that painful subject not only would leave me huddled in a corner in the fetal position but would also eliminate the only good bullet I have in my arsenal for getting to fantasy camp. I just smiled politely and suggested that Valentine’s Day is coming… I honestly have no idea why I said that as I have no clue what I am doing for Valentine’s Day except attending Derrick Hall’s monthly chat. But I figured the team shop will be open at Fan Fest so I can get my shopping done while enjoying a Diamondbacks experience. After all, what nothing says “I love you” quite like something in Sedona Red. So for the remainder of the day I am going sit back and count down the time until I finally get to go back home to Chase Field. This is going to be a very long day.

As you can imagine, I am at the Diamondbacks web site quite often. That may be one of the greatest understatements in the history of mankind. I do not remember a day going by that I have not visited the Diamondbacks web site. It’s not that the Diamondbacks web site is my home page, nor even is it that I actually plan to go to the Diamondbacks web site I just happen to land on it at some point during the day. Being a regular visitor to their web page and having developed a few web sites during my career I understand why things are the way they are on the page but that doesn’t mean that I agree with their design or implementation decisions. The interface can be cumbersome and the page is way too busy. I’m also still amazed at how many of the old purple and teal logos I find hidden in the recesses of the web site, mostly in confirmation boxes or thank-you boxes. I am always shocked and a little disappointed since I know how much I worked to eliminate the old logo and colors from my web site and I would have expected the team to do the same.

The monthly chat is somewhat hidden unless you see a link on the front page. It is in the fan forum which I guess makes sense although I would have thought it made more sense to have it in the communications or contact us section since it is a form of communications with the team. The chat solution employed by the Diamondbacks and I would assume all of Major League Baseball’s web sites since the league has brought all the team web sites under one umbrella is based upon a Java application. I have nothing against Java, it is just that it does take quite a large footprint from a code perspective and in many cases this type of application is frowned upon by businesses leading it to be blocked my quite a few firewalls. This is the case at our work meaning it is impossible to launch the application while at the office. Chat is one of those things that is great when you are multi-tasking. You can post a question or two while you continue working on other things or during a long drawn out conference call (I find myself on a lot of those). But because of the Diamondbacks choice of technology I am unable to take advantage of that. Most people probably would shrug their shoulders and give up. I’m not like most people. For the longest time I tried various settings and tunneling effects to try and allow this content to be accepted through the firewall. Each of these resulted in failure. I then tried an alternate proxy server hoping I could set the configuration within that box without jeopardizing any security policies that had been put into place. Again my efforts were futile. You would think at that point I would give up but I didn’t. Instead I rearranged my work schedule so that the first Thursday of every month I would begin much earlier than normal so that I could be off by 2 PM in the afternoon. When people hear my unorthodox schedule for these dates every month the immediately come to the conclusion that I have a family commitment. In a manner of speaking they are correct since Chase Field does feel like my second home and I am part of a rare group of Diamondbacks fans that are closer than many families. I was pretty proud of myself for getting the stars and the planets to all align so that I could attend Derrick Hall’s chat. So just before 2:00 PM I made my way over to the Diamondbacks web site to enter the discussions. To my dismay the chat had been rescheduled for February 14th, next Thursday. This could be a problem. Not only am I going to have to find an excuse to be outside the office firewall boundaries for a second week but it is also Valentine’s Day. I have a sneaking suspicion that Trina is not going to understand when I take a partial day of vacation to be at Diamondbacks chat especially after I told her in no uncertain terms that it would not be possible for me to take that day off for us to spend together to celebrate Valentine’s Day. This is going to take some seriously creative writing to find an answer to this dilemma. I guess it’s a good thing I have a week to come up with something.

I can always tell when the kids are back in school. Beginning in August and lasting through May there is not a month that does not go by that we are not involved in some sort of fund raiser. The kids are asked to peddle door-to-door anything from cookie dough to wrapping paper to assorted meat products. There are times that I wonder whether I am sending my kids to school to learn to read and write or if I have sent them to trade school to become encyclopedia salesman which by the way is a profession that has gone the way of the dinosaur since the invention of the Internet. Not to get too side tracked but why do we have groups formed to protect spotted owls from extinction but we have no one who is even remotely interested in saving the encyclopedia salesman from becoming a dying breed? That’s the kind of stuff that makes me lay awake at night staring at the ceiling (at least until Spring Training starts).

The latest in the fund raising parade is the raising of funds for something to do with graduation for high school where the kids have been asked to help the school raise money to cover the high costs of graduation. No one has to remind me of the high cost of graduation. I just spent over $350 on senior photos just days after spending $150 for a neon yellow cap and gown and another $100 to announce that my daughter is indeed graduating. Now I can add the price of a ham or two or three to that cost as well. Because there is nothing that says “I am educated” quite like a spiral-cut pork product. Anyway, as I was getting the latest sales pitch from my daughter who is becoming quite a polished salesperson a light bulb went off in my head. I don’t know why but when that happens I always look around and ask anyone who is standing near me if actual rays of light came out of my nose. That in itself is an interesting conversation ice breaker. Think about it, if you want to make an impression at a party go up to a complete stranger and start talking to them. When you get an epiphany ask the stranger if light came out your nose. I guarantee they will not forget who you are. You may never get invited to another one of their parties but they will definitely remember you.

Anyway, getting back to my own epiphany I had this brilliant thought. You know how I have been wanting to go to Fantasy Camp? Well one of Trina’s arguments has always been that with our kids now reaching college age, education is no longer free (which almost always leads to the exact discussion we are just having about how our kids education has never been free) and therefore we needed the money that could have been earmarked for Fantasy Camp to send our kids to school. That is so messed up. It’s not like I am going to gain any value from sending my kid to college. But Fantasy Camp, there’s a life skill that could live with me for the rest of my life. To date that argument gets me nothing more than a stern lecture about the responsibilities of being a parent. Now though I think I may have actually found a way to finance going to camp. The parents and neighbors in our area have become so indoctrinated to the fact that children will be approaching them every month with an opportunity to donate to a fund raiser that I am sure they wouldn’t mind if I started my own “Send Jeff to Camp Fund Raiser”. What a brilliant plan. I am sure that once I explain the mental and physical anguish this poor boy is suffering because he is not able to go to camp with his friends and how the boy is dangerously close to being ostracized from his community because he cannot afford to go to camp to learn the life skills necessary to make him whole the entire community will rally around the youth to make sure he can go to camp. The grateful boy will promise to write daily and tell everyone who helped him what important lessons he is learning at camp. This has feel-good story written all over it. My mind was racing with the thoughts of how this was a win-win situation for everyone involved. The only question remained was what product or products should I sell in my “Send Jeff to Camp Fund Raiser”. It dawned on me that there was really only one thing I could sell, peanuts and Cracker Jack. So I am going to contact the Cracker Jack company and the Hoody’s Nut House to see if I can get them to help. I was so excited I ran to tell Trina about my plan. She just stared at me then shook her head and said maybe I need to contact a different kind of nut house. I’m not sure what she meant by that.

The envelope was plain white and at first glance I thought it might be one of those invitations to come to a free dinner. All that is required is for you to sit through 9 hours of sales presentation then have some squirrel looking guy hover over you until you promise to buy his goods and services. As I flipped over the envelope I noticed the return address. In Sedona Red ink sprinkled with stars was the title Evening on the Diamond – Chase Field. Evening on the Diamond? Perhaps my dreams have come true and the Diamondbacks are sending me that invitation to Spring Training I have always wanted. My mind immediately began racing as I thought about where my baseball glove was and if my cleats still fit. I would need to go to Costco and get one of those 55-gallon drums of Ben-Gay as I was sure I would be sore after the first practice. I made a note to myself to come up with a great excuse to tell my boss so that I could miss a few days of work while I was with the team. Oh I had so much to do and with pitchers and catchers reporting in just 10 days I have very little time to prepare. I rushed back to the house to tell Trina the great news and to start packing. I handed her the mail, gave her a brief synopsis and ran upstairs to try and find my Arizona Diamondbacks duffle bag. I figured if I was going to be part of the team I should at least have luggage that had the team’s logo emblazoned upon it. After all, I don’t have a fan sponsorship so I was kind of on my own. As I was digging under the bed trying to find when I had put my duffle bag, Trina entered the room and said, “Is it possible to neuter an elephant in the trunk with a crow bar?” When your wife says something like that you immediately stop what you are doing. I came out from under the bed and said, “What?”

“I said did you even bother to open this envelope and read what was inside?” was Trina’s response. My mind was spinning trying to figure out what good an envelope would be when I was trying to neuter an elephant and if I couldn’t find my duffle bag what made her think I was going to be able to locate a crow bar? I had to admit I hadn’t even opened the letter but from the looks of her hands she had taken the liberty of doing it for me. I thought about reminding her that opening someone else’s mail was a Federal crime but I figured any woman considering neutering an elephant with a crow bar probably wouldn’t think twice about using the same tool on her husband so I left well enough alone. “This is not an invitation to Spring Training, it is an invitation to a dinner at Chase Field benefitting the Arizona Diamondbacks Foundation.” My heart sunk lower than a neutered elephant. Here I thought I was going to get to go to Tucson. My spirits bounced right back up when I realized that Trina had said dinner and Chase Field in the same sentence. It’s been nearly half a year since I had a Hungry Hill sausage so this could be kind of fun. Besides who could turn down having a picnic out on the grass at Chase Field? Trina again came to my aid by explaining that this wasn’t a “pick up a hot dog and lay out a blanket in the outfield” kind of event. From the looks of the pictures on the invitation this was kind of a swanky event with people dressed up and everything. Hey that might not be so bad, after all I now have what I would classify as formal attire. Trina could clearly see that no good could possibly come from this and therefore put it in terms even I could understand. This is the kind of event that people who sit behind the plate or above the dugouts would go to. It would contain chairs that did not come with cup holders and a Diamondbacks tie in conjunction with a Sedona Red dress shirt did not constitute formal attire. That would be like wearing a purple and teal jersey to a Sedona Red Diamondbacks game. Oh, and her guess was that the entrance fee to attend this event was probably more expensive than a season ticket parking pass to Chase Field. Whoa, that’s a lot. But I don’t understand. Why in the world would they send an invitation to me? I’m just a guy from section 112. This whole experience has left me very confused and worried about the safety of elephants. I’m definitely going to need to do a little more research into this whole situation.